My Child Said The Words - Pt. 2
Part 2 of the 'When The Words Are Said' Blog Series
(Go to Part 1)
Our children are likely aware of the verses in the Bible that address their struggle.
They’ve probably wrestled with the verses in Leviticus 18:22 and 20:13, Romans 1:26-32, 1 Corinthians 1:6-9, and 1 Timothy 1:8-11, wondering just how detestable they are to God, what it feels like to be an abomination, why they deserve the punishment of death for their abomination, and are terrified of going to hell because they will not be inheriting the Kingdom of heaven. Somewhere along the lines, the gospel was forgotten, or excluded, and our child is left dangling in fear. They have convinced themselves or have been persuaded by others to believe that God doesn’t love a defiler like them.
"For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him." — John 3:17. God’s intention is always to save, but our children get stuck on condemnation.
I can empathize with their fears. Facing God’s disappointment or disapproval isn’t something any of us receives with eagerness. It’s hard to balance how much God loves us when we read or hear someone hone in on specifically why we deserve God’s wrath, but they neglect to also include God’s grace and deep love for His children.
"But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." — Romans 5:8. Highlighting God’s unconditional love for us, it extends even past our imperfections.
What I’ve come to understand, from 100% of people I’ve spoken with, is that zero percent of people want or need to be preached at or beaten up over their same-sex attraction or gender dysmorphia. Every LGBTQ+ person I’ve met has done a fine job of that themselves, especially those who have been raised in Christian families with a Biblical worldview. Many are wrought with shame, and this moment of disclosure to families has been one of the most difficult moments in their lives.
Author Alan Downs, in Velvet Rage, wrote, “An emotional wound caused by toxic shame is a very serious and persistent disability that has the potential to literally destroy your life. It’s much more than just a poor self-image. It’s the internalized and deeply held belief that you are somehow unacceptable, unlovable, shameful, and in short, flawed.”
It’s fair to declare that we don’t understand. If our child hears us acknowledge that we can’t really know what it feels like to have same-sex attraction or feel gender-perplexed, we can open a door to them to ask them to teach us what they’ve experienced. It’s fair to say that we aren't sure how to walk this road. We haven’t, yet, so collectively accepting that this is new and uncharted territory for both parents and child helps us realize we have a common starting point.
"Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way, you will fulfill the law of Christ." — Galatians 6:2
With acquired insight from LGBTQ+ individuals, I’ve learned that common threads exist within their stories. Men, women, and teens all feel:
- I want to be understood
- I want to feel safe
- I don’t have words for how deep my fear of rejection runs — fear over my family, friends, church
- I’m afraid of being cut off from people I love
- I didn’t ask for this
- I’ve contemplated suicide, more than once, over sharing my secret
- I feel cloaked in shame every moment I breathe
- I’ve read what the Bible says, and I have more questions
- I need you to love me
- I’m still the same person I was before I came out
- I’m not a pedophile
- I don’t want to be preached at
- I want you to ask questions
- I feel hatred toward me from the Christian community, and it confuses me when I hear messages of love, yet experience actual hate
- My same-sex attraction is deeper than ‘pray the gay away’
- I’ve been deeply wounded by some well-meaning people, and people who justify acting cruelly to me
- I don’t know if God loves me
- I still love God
- I’m mad at God
- Whether we agree or disagree, I still want a relationship with you
- I might run far away, emotionally or physically, because this is hard for me, too
The complexities that exist while we navigate these deep waters are tangled with human emotions and compounded by difficult questions. While we may find Scripture verses that support our long-held position of right and wrong, our loved ones, too, are keenly familiar with those same verses, and have carried shame-filled condemnation as they try to reconcile God’s love in conjunction with these verses.
"Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love." - Ephesians 4:2
To guide our approach with humility, gentleness, and patience as we support our children.
Often feeling as though there is no room for love and compassion, fear rules. Lines are drawn, and we’re stuck at a crossroads. We can even go so far as to create dialogue in our own minds about what another person is thinking, and draw untrue or unfair conclusions about the other person; thereby, shutting down any opportunity to have meaningful conversation.
Choosing to engage with our children requires wisdom, patience, curiosity, and compassion, from both parent and child. Opening doors of life-giving communication and understanding can begin a process of healing. Guiding our approach with humility, gentleness and patience, can alleviate fear and shame. Acceptance for where we are, where they are, and paving a path forward for everyone within the family begins with one conversation at a time. While we pray for the delicate balance of love and truth to prevail, we may or may not agree with positions, interpretations, or desires, and that’s okay. At least we’re beginning.
"Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing." — 1 Thessalonians 5:11
This is only the beginning…
Hey!
