Blowing It With Your Child - Pt. 2

Part 2 of the 'What If I Blew If' Blog Series
(Go to Part 1)

Realizing that we’re all wired to defend our positions, our responses and our rights to be heard can reeeeeally mess with a sincere apology, so with prayerful consideration, we assess our motivation and approach.

When we apologize, there are guidelines that validate our sincerity.

• Begin with I am so sorry for, or that I….period.
• Address our own behavior, and our behavior alone, sharing our wrongs, so our child knows we understand how we offended them.
• Accept responsibility for creating hurt.
• Empathize with what our child felt when we reacted.
• Acknowledge the impact of our words and actions.
• Refrain from justifying our actions or creating excuses for our words or behavior.
• Ask for their forgiveness (they may not be ready to offer it; that’s ok.)
• Commit to doing better from right now forward.
• Focus on repairing your relationship.
• Avoid demanding a reciprocating apology.

We have all been offended and treated poorly by someone at some time in our lives. We remember the accompanying pain with the harsh words directed at us. Whether words intentionally or unintentionally hurt us, there is always collateral damage, and repair is complicated. It’s definitely not immediate.

Once words are spoken, they cannot be unheard.

We process negative thoughts at a level far deeper than we receive positive ones. We put them on repeat until they are scarred nearly to our marrow. It’s just human nature. So when we apologize to anyone, forgiveness and restoration is often a lengthy process that requires patience and diligence.

A bomb explodes in a millisecond, yet cleanup requires some heavy lifting, some massive equipment, and an immense amount of effort. The repaired pieces will hold a slightly different landscape, even after our best efforts of restoration. Unfortunately, people and emotions are many times more complex than objects.

When we blow it with our children, especially when they’ve revealed their deepest struggle, their self-esteem and trust in us were likely shattered with it. I don’t share hard truths because I relish jamming on us as parents. I hate that part. If we fail to understand how fragile our children were before their secret was out, it’s imperative we understand it as we move forward, so we don’t inadvertently inflict more pain when we don’t understand their reticence to trust us again.

Colossians 3:13: "Bear with each other and forgive one another, if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you." We may have to bear longer than we wish, so we will prayerfully and patiently wait for our children as they consider how to carefully engage with us again.

I pray, with diligence, that we, together with our children, can experience restoration. Beginning a healing process that renders new understanding and appreciation for one another is a beautiful goal. I pray that the Lord blesses us with opportunities to display love and grace toward our children, and that they will graciously forgive our missteps.

Every new day offers new mercies, as promised in Lamentations 3:22-23: "The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness." When a giant piece of our lives and our hearts are broken, we can hold onto His promises, and know that He still has us covered.

Hold fast, for tomorrow is a new day. And so is the one after that. Hold on for as many days as necessary. As you wait, May “the Lord bless you and keep you, and make His face shine upon you, and be gracious to you; may the Lord turn his face toward you and give you peace.” Numbers 6:24-26