Considerations for Disclosure - Pt. 2
Part 2 in the 'Sharing With Siblings & Others' Blog Series
(Go to part 1)
A Word on Sharing & Disclosure
Even if your LGBTQ+ child is a minor, please, please, please hear my heart. Use care and caution when you, as a parent, are seeking someone to confide in. Every parent deserves a confidante to help us process everything we’re experiencing. This is a significant circumstance in all of our lives, our children included, and it’s incredibly helpful…vital, I’d say…to have a support system.
That said, our children’s stories needn’t be blasted to the universe, just because they’re a minor and we’re in charge of making decisions. It can be harmful to our children if we insensitively disclose their deepest, most personal aspect of their lives before they are ready for the world to know. Be sure that your confidante knows the significance of their friendship, guidance, support, and confidentiality, for the sake and health of your family.
“A gossip betrays a confidence, but a trustworthy person keeps a secret.” Proverbs 11:13
You, as a parent, may not even be ready for your family to be ‘exposed,’ because you may still be processing what the next steps are, too. Licensed professional counselors have legal obligations to protect our privacy, so long as everything we share doesn’t fall under mandatory reporting, such as sexual misconduct or abuse, they can be an excellent resource to help us process our thoughts and feelings. Trusted pastors and ministry leaders can help you navigate, and should provide confidentiality for families as well.
Our children’s stories belong to them, and our job is to guard against more evil, bullying, and vitriol from coming at them. Some people within churches, workplaces, and even families can deliver unsolicited advice that can be more harmful than helpful, and the importance of guarding our children against harsh words can’t be stressed enough. If you sense negativity directed toward your child, especially within extended family, it’s okay to quickly establish firm boundaries that guard your child from harm.
Let your child know you’ve got them.
We can deliver boundaries with grace, and carefully choosing words will de-escalate a misguided conversation.
We may need reminding that it’s not our story to tell, especially if our LGBTQ+ children are adults. If an adult child requests we not share with anyone, we will gain miles of trust in our relationship when they know we are respecting their desire for privacy and being patient with their timing to disclose to others. We must refrain from forcing adult children to disclose anything to anyone.
“Do to others as you would have them do to you.” Luke 6:31. Holding our child’s story grants them security, and will promote a reciprocating relationship of respect and honor.
When appropriate, we can ask for permission to share our child’s story with others. If I encountered another family with an LGBTQ+ child who seemed like they needed support, I would ask my child for permission to share our story so a parent didn’t feel so alone. Disclosure is a process, and respecting the process allows trust to prevail as we navigate each new step.
“There is a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak." Ecclesiastes 3:7. Use this permission with care and sensitivity to your child.
It’s imperative, for our child’s sake, that we use wisdom with our words and timing.
Like ours, your story may trickle into the hands of others over a lengthy time. It took years of careful consideration before our son, or we, shed the fear of being shamed or rejected by friends, family, or church. As you and your child consider the safety of your relationships with each person, pray for wisdom for timing, and protection from judgment. I have yet to meet a family who was confident that every person within and without their circles would be safe, so preparing emotionally and spiritually for hard conversations is significantly important.
That said, others will need time to process what we’ve shared. They may not know what to say, so a clunky response also deserves grace from us. Perhaps, we lead with explaining that we will share some hard news, and you don’t expect anything other than a listening ear, a hug, and a follow-up conversation after they have had time to process and pray. Sometimes, less is more. Others may just need time to process their own thoughts and consider the heart of our relationships so they can respond rather than react.
Still, some will not be able to offer their support to our family, because they place a priority on a belief system over our relationships, and they simply can’t overcome a hurdle that feels too big for them. It’s tragic, but true, that some of us lose relationships over gaps that cannot be overcome when it comes to how we define how to love our LGBT family members. It can be incredibly painful to suffer those losses, so grieving is often part of the process.
More to come on broken relationships later, but I’ve never been afraid of losing a relationship when it came to staying connected to my child…
Hey!
