My Child Said The Words - Pt. 1
Part 1 of the 'When The Words Are Said' Blog Series
When we hear the words, we remember.
We remember where we were. We remember what our child said. We remember what we said. Or didn’t. We remember our tone, their tone, the volume, or the silence. We remember what we felt, what we thought, what we wanted. The tears, the shock, the disbelief.
Perhaps there was relief with the news being out on the table. Perhaps you’d anticipated it, but it didn’t come out at all in the way you’d imagined. Perhaps you felt blindsided. There are a hundred different scenarios of what your moment was like, but it finally happened.
Whether your child approached with a calm curiosity, an uncertain confusion, a solidified confirmation, or an angry blow-up, they’ve said the words.
“I’m gay.”
“I’m bi.”
“I’m trans.”
Where do we go from here?
When our child comes out to us, it’s natural to think of ourselves. We turn inward and wonder everything from what to say to what others will think of us. We may feel grieved. We may be afraid, for ourselves and our child, our futures. We may be angry. We may be in disbelief. We may feel betrayed, by our child, or by God himself; or both. Without a doubt, this is anything but easy.
When you hear hard words, our first inclination may not be to remember Psalm 34:18. "The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit." We may go in to panic mode. We may respond poorly.
God sees that too.
Our first conversation with our child may have been more confrontational than conversational. Perhaps we wish we had a complete re-do, because they were angry and anxious, or our response was less than ideal. Or almost nothing at all was said.
Regardless of how our first encounter over their news happened, we are where we are now. If our conversation went well and included a level of understanding as best we could, well done, momma and dad. There are many more conversations ahead.
While our child’s coming out may have caught us off-guard, they likely contemplated a thousand different ways of how and when to approach us. While they held their secret for months or years, it’s probable they created a myriad of scenarios in their minds about how we would receive their news. For certain, they were afraid. More than once, they prepared to tell us, but withdrew their carefully constructed plan, for fear of anger, disappointment, or rejection. I’ve not met one family whose story hasn’t included some level of fear, in both parent and child, for an understandable variety of reasons.
Our child might be relieved that their secret is no longer closeted, but now, our brains and hearts have to catch up and condense the entire length of their struggle into this one moment in time. We find ourselves living in incongruent timetables, because our child may have forgotten that while they’ve processed and planned for every possible scenario, we’re processing a boatload of thoughts and emotions in an instant, and now we need time to gather our jumbled thoughts.
It’s a lot, right?
If we’re anything alike, I’d love a do-over. I’d love to:
- say less
- ask more
- understand from a different perspective
- acknowledge my inadequacy
- mitigate fear — mine and my child’s
- dispel presupposition
- affirm my intention to remain engaged and available to my child
- refrain from preaching
- reassert my love for my child in a way he hears and believes me
"Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone." — Colossians 4:6
Shoot, I wish I had responded with grace, wisdom, and understanding during those critical moments. I’d like a do-over, please.
While we may wish we could rewind the hands of time, the Lord has been gracious in giving us days ahead to seek him and ask for the wisdom we undoubtedly need to walk this road with our children.
"If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you." — James 1:5
O, Lord, give me wisdom now. And tomorrow, and the day after that.
We take the journey one step at a time…
Hey!
