Considerations for Disclosure - Pt. 1
Part 1 of the 'Sharing With Siblings & Others' Blog Series
Navigating the conversation to reveal a sibling's sexuality or gender identity to our other children can be a complex and delicate matter. There are a number of possible scenarios of how our LGBTQ+ child’s sexuality is disclosed to our other children, because of our varying family sizes, ages, relationships, and beliefs. Based on each of these factors, we must make careful considerations before we decide how to approach our family in revealing our LGBTQ+ child’s sexuality.
Remembering that when we share, we are sharing the value of a person and his or her life, we aren’t simply sharing a piece of news as if it were a story. We love and treasure our children, so maintaining sensitivity for each one reminds us to choose our words wisely, carefully, and lovingly. Our goal is to minimize overwhelm and collectively navigate how we all best take the next steps within our families.
Certainly, we don’t want to speak poorly of any of our children.
“Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.” — Ephesians 4:29
Because children’s ages and level of understanding vary, we may determine it’s wisest to have several separate conversations based on age-appropriateness. We must also consider the age of our LGBTQ+ child and understand whether they have already shared and processed with other siblings they may be close to. Perhaps a sibling has been a confidante for a long time and has held their sibling’s secret beside them.
Rather than chastise our child for not telling us, praise God that our children are close enough that they trust one another with such a personal aspect of their lives. One child may have been a lifeline to another, so we must resist the urge to pressure them for all the reasons they didn’t tell us. It wasn’t theirs to tell anyway. I’m sorry if that feels prickly, but it’s likely not the only secret that close siblings have kept from us as they’ve grown. 🙃
When children are minors, parental guidance is paramount. Based on age, we may limit the amount of information we provide, offering more information as they are able to process and handle complex topics. We may choose to share, as parents, with or without our LGBTQ+ child present. You know your children and their relationships best. Your child may be more comfortable asking questions without their sibling present. They may need space and time to process before they know what to say.
Contrarily, they may want the reassurance that their sibling is still the same person they were 5 minutes ago, before the news was revealed, and need them close to know their LGBTQ+ sibling still loves them. Your LGBTQ+ child may not want to be there when you have conversations with their siblings, or maybe they want to be the one to tell certain siblings alongside you. Navigate these options carefully, considering your children’s personalities, relationships, needs, ages, and level of understanding. There is no perfect formula, so praying for each of our children as we approach them will provide the wisdom we need to walk beside them.
“If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.” James 1:5
We should prepare for our children to respond differently when they process the news. There may be confusion, anger, tears, fear, concern, acceptance, or any other response. Being prepared to catch them, no matter their reaction, will lessen the intensity of whatever feelings bubble to the surface. Some siblings may not struggle at all and accept everything you share. Some may surprise you with their reactions.
Certain children’s sibling relationships may include conflict or stress, or even estrangement. Adding any layers of relationship complexity will also have to be navigated carefully as you decide when and how to tell a sibling who isn’t as close as others.
As you prepare to talk with your children, an important factor to consider will include timing.
Having an emotional conversation includes sensitivity to their well-being. Be sure to talk when your child is not too fatigued, hungry, or overwhelmed with school, sports, work, friends, or other emotional or physical issues. Make sure you know their social calendars; prom weekend is not a good time for a sibling to process their night of fun with big news. Disclosing one child’s sexuality to another is not an emergency, so carefully consider time not only for your conversation but also for enough free space in their schedules to process all they’ve just learned. If a day or evening is packed with activities that don’t allow for time to process, choose another day to talk.
“There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens.” Ecclesiastes 3:1. We must choose our timing wisely.
In Part 2, we’ll address more on disclosure. Stay tuned.
Hey!
