Feeling Love From Church - Pt. 3

Part 3 of the 'Different, Not Better' Blog Series
(Go to part 1)

Working through the difficulties of LGBT matters within the church is not for the faint of heart.

It has been, and continues to perplex many members within the walls of the church. It’s created hardships, destroyed friendships, caused dissension, and has left people bleeding. And what is a pastor to say and do?

They can preach, “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” — Romans 12:18. Then we take the words and depend on sinful, fallible people not to mess it up. We don’t always do it well, do we?

As human beings, it’s easier to buffer ourselves from what we don’t understand, rather than to lean in and ask hard questions and visit uncomfortable spaces. Haven’t we all avoided things that make us uncomfy? I remember having to leave a restaurant once upon a time, simply because it felt too fancy for my sweet friend. I get it. I’ve avoided certain spaces because of my own fears. If we’re honest, maybe we wouldn’t have treaded these waters if not for our own LGBT child.

Nonetheless, our churches are faced with difficult questions about how to approach LBGTQ+ families. Because we’re different, but no one’s better. Chances are, you’ve faced this tension too. Often, as parents of LGBT kids, we are the ones who open dialogue within churches about this sensitive topic.

Many of us, as parents, are simply looking to be accepted, rather than judged, within the walls of our churches. Certainly, we want our children to feel safe at church. Innumerable families have felt the sting of the side-eye, so it’s not surprising that our children are exponentially more uncomfortable when asked to join us at church. It’s not surprising to have our children decline our invitation.

One hundred percent of parents I’ve connected with declared that they simply want to be loved and accepted by the people in their churches. We are parents who love our children and want others to see our children as God’s treasures, too.

We, as parents, are not asking our churches to compromise their mission statements or belief systems, nor validate every inkling of every nuance of the LGBT community. We still believe in and uphold Scripture. We are simply asking to be loved, valued, and understood in the ways that Jesus taught. Rather than be judged for having an LGBT kid, there are several pain points many families like ours wish to overcome:

“My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you.” — John 15:12

We want others to know this is not an easy journey. It’s been surprising, difficult, unexpected, lonely, or scary. We feel isolated and don’t know where to turn or how to determine who is safe. We feel like we’re wearing a label of shame over what you must think of us. Our kids feel it a thousand times more.

We want our churches to support us in loving our children, no matter what.

God gave them to us, and trusted us to love them with the love He pours into us. We want you to understand that loving a person and validating their decisions are two separate things.

We don’t want to be judged; more importantly, we don’t want our children to be judged and outcasted by those in our church.

We are desperate for resources to help us walk this road, and thirst for our pastors to encourage those in our church to support us. We can be easily reduced to feeling like failures as Christian parents because our child swayed from what they’ve been taught. Like our children, we simply want to be wanted.

“Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.” — 1 Thessalonians 5:11. Encouragers often underestimate the profound impact they have in helping others hold on for just one more day.

As many denominational differences exist, there are countless interpretations about how churches and congregations “deal with” LGBT families. Some people run away, others invite. Some stiff-arm, while others embrace. Some weaponize their words, while others use gentle empathy. Some pray over us, and within a prayer, we’re told we are validating evil for loving an LGBT child; while others sincerely and whole-heartedly carry us to the throne of grace. It’s a confounding experience to try to guess who will receive our family and who will choose to reject us. We’re not debating affirming and non-affirming churches, for that is a complex issue all its own. We’re talking about the basic one-anothers – human-level interactions that say ‘you matter.’

“Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins.” — 1 Peter 4:8. Love matters.

LGBT families can feel like Gospel-love has been withheld from them or their loved ones, simply because they have a family member who is part of the LGBT community. Quickly, it becomes incredibly lonely for families and raises questions about how our own, or other church communities receive people like us. Certainly, some are comfortable linking arms with us and declaring that, although they may not understand everything, they will be with us as we navigate this journey. We are grateful to have people strive to learn with us as we also learn. We don’t have all the answers, and we need people to step in our shoes with us.

Friends, let’s encourage one another to first choose love.

“For without love, we have nothing.” — 1 Corinthians 13:1-13. Perhaps we are the conduits to help our pastors encourage those around us to let them know that we need them, and that their sensitivity toward our families creates an environment where reassurance trumps shame. Additionally, we can choose grace for those who misunderstand us, rather than duplicate judgment and render secondary discord. We, too, are called to love, and we don’t get a pass because people misinterpret or are misinformed about who we are.

“If anyone says, ‘I love God,’ yet hates his brother, he is a liar; for he who does not love his brother, whom he has seen, cannot love God, whom he has not seen.” — 1 John 4:20.

We have never laid eyes on God, yet we love him. He puts human beings in front of us every day and allows us to love like He does. He often offers opportunities to us that we’d rather not have, amiright? I often wonder, if we humans were blind, how much more capable of loving one another might we be? We wouldn’t judge someone for having mohawked blue hair, fifty-two piercings, or wearing that short skirt. We might think two men are brothers, and engage in healthy dialogue, rather than see them with our eyes, and thereby judge and distance them for being gay. We wouldn’t be able to judge based on color, age, gender, size, affluence, addiction or sobriety, the number of tattoos…or any other outward quality that causes us to look down upon or withdraw from another person.

Our eyes often lie to our hearts, and then our hearts prompt words and attitudes that justify our bad actions against other human beings. We do it all the time, don’t we? It’s certainly not exclusive to LGBT families, but perhaps a little more obvious. I dunno.

So let us go back to “And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works.” — Hebrews 10:24.

First, we choose to love people. If we want to be loved, we must love in return. We choose to see God at work in their lives. We choose to empathize with people and their stories, and ask them to empathize with ours. We love them right where they are, and ask them to love us back, not because any of us deserves it, but because “We love because He first loved us.” — 1 John 4:19

No one ever died trying to understand another person. Refusing to acknowledge or accept certain people has tragically cost some families the very lives of those they love.

Friends, let’s do better.

We may think differently, we may land in different places about a lot of things, but leading with love can demolish prejudice. With His love alive and active in our hearts, and through the power of the Holy Spirit, we can commit to understanding others and help them understand us. We need each other. We are the church. We are His people. We are different, yet all the same. We are different, not better, so let’s start there.

I doubt God gets as ruffled as people do over the idiosyncratic differences in our ministries if we’re all honestly, honorably, and prayerfully seeking to uphold His word and live out the Gospel message. I think he cares immensely more about how we treat His people, whether they know Him yet or not. I can’t think of one person I know that He wouldn’t personally invite to His table.

Every day of the 19 years that Ellen DeGeneres was on her daytime show, she ended with an invitation and a prescription, “Be Kind to One Another.” If a TV celebrity can incite millions of people to do good, then a perfect, loving, holy God can ignite us with even more fervor. Even if Ellen didn’t know she was closing her shows with a Bible verse, I’ll share the rest. Ephesians 4:32: "Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you." I dare you to do it 🙂